Author Archives: Mandy

About Mandy

Maker of bold choices | Spiritual Gangster

Hook – Bangarang

Yesterday Hook aired on tv and I recorded it.  The passing of Robin Williams demanded so much attention because of his good-natured soul and the tragic ending of his life on earth, taken by he himself.  People don’t know how to take suicides because it is unimaginable to most.  Therefore, it results in various reactions globally.  Unless someone has gone through the hell that is depression, it is nearly impossible to fathom taking your own life and seeing no other solution other than to free yourself of the misery rather than walking through that fire yet again.

Unbeknownst to many people who’ve known me throughout the years, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was twenty years of age.  No one aside from my loved ones has a clue, but to them, the change was palpable and horrifying until I got it under control.  Hell, it took me almost a year to acknowledge the severity of it myself, because I had always been such a strong, lively and cheerful presence.  I was conditioned to feel that I was the life of the party, the strong one, the one others confided in, and there was no way this could happen to me of all people.

Guess what?  Most psychological issues arise in early adulthood and it does not discriminate. Everyone is up for grabs. Anyway, I watched the recorded movie Hook and couldn’t help to think of the happiness this man provided to so many people world-wide in spite of his own unhappiness.  He had the gift of making others happy, laughing in the most desperate of their times, yet in privacy and the solitude of his own space, he could not do it for himself.  I see that as heroic, not weak at all.  He had a light in his eyes that only he could not see and that makes my heart ache for him.

People must come to understand that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and no matter who you think you are, you are susceptible, and that others who suffer from it are by no means weak.  On the contrary, they are the strongest among us, because they have survived it time and again, forcing them to conquer their own minds that are fighting against them, and that takes strength and heart.  I hope this finds someone well who needs to know that no matter what your spiritual beliefs, life is precious and everyday right now may be a battle, but it’s a war worth fighting for, so fight the hell out of it.

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This summer I had a car accident that resulted in the totaling of my trusty, beloved White Bandit (Corolla). As a result, it demanded the purchase of my new Honda Civic that I love.  Purchasing a newer car is on my list, and as fate would have it, the perfect storm created the opportunity to get it.  Life is funny that way.

So, with another one off the list, I am forced to confront the fact that I have a mere six months to complete my long list before I turn thirty.  THIRTY.  I am bewildered that so much time has passed so quickly, but I know that I am looking forward to what life has to offer in my future.  I have crossed off so many things off of my vision board lately, and although much of it is not on the list that I created a few years ago, things are rolling along and good things are happening.  

We can plan life all we want, but at the end of the day, it means shit. Total and utter shit…life unfolds as it should, based on our choices and the choices we don’t make. I am perfectly open and okay with that fact.  I am embracing all of it with open arms and an open mind, all the while attempting to hold down my place in the driver’s seat to focus my direction where I hope it to follow.  I have no doubt that all will be well and better than I even hope to happen.  Cheers to life.

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Auld Lang Syne

I must confess that it’s been far too long since I posted, but I had to find clarity and balance through solitude, which I felt was best kept to myself.  Sometimes it is most beneficial to unplug, stop writing, and really seek direction and a healthy perspective in order to write anything worth a damn.  I can honestly say that I am well-armed to accomplish many of the things that I have set out to conquer previously.  I even managed to cross off a few during my hibernation from writing.

Since my last post, I have landed a new job that I love, moved into my own apartment (I’ve always had roommates), enrolled for and taken writing courses, healed the worst heartbreak of my life thus far, became an ordained minister, became a member at the local spiritual center, and spent a week in Las Vegas that was full of wonderful moments.  All of those things, aside from moving into my own place and mending a broken heart, were on my list that I created a few years ago, so I was pretty proud of myself for picking myself up and ending the year like a champ in spite of how the year began. In a few months, I will turn 29, and kick off the last year of my twenties, which will force me to use my time wisely in order to achieve what I have set out to do.


I kicked off 2014 with a dear friend and a driven clear head.  I have battled with my biggest fear (failure) with my writing for many years, and apparently that is a very commom fear among writers.  The end of a year always makes us review our setbacks and strengths in order to prepare for a new beginning, and the hope for an even better future.  I’ve got spectacular hopes for my 29th year in this life and I look forward to sharing them.  Happy New Year to you!

In love,


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Break Up or Break Down

Eight months ago, I found myself in the perpetual misery we all know as a “break up.” I’ve been through several of them throughout my years, but this one was that one heartbreak that tears you down and makes you think in terms of only every present loathsome moment that you are in, rather than being able to foresee any future. I consider myself a strong, independent woman, yet there I was…confounded by anguish and grief, completely incapable of envisaging everything else that I lived for that made me who I am. My goals, hopes, plans, and dreams disappeared from my mind as if he took them with him. Three years with a man I had once considered spending my life with ended abruptly, and suddenly I did not know myself any more. While studying psychology in college, I came across a quote that I have never forgotten:

“Depression is the inability to construct a future.”  happy

That quote successfully concentrates a medical illness characterized by a magnitude of symptoms into one absolute sentence, which I find to be brilliant. When you’re depressed, you can’t imagine that things will get better. It just seems like it is unattainable, or so far from happening that you bask in your agony. I went through hell for months, crying myself to sleep at night, avoiding people, and going through the motions. One day, I looked in the mirror and no longer recognized myself. I focused on making changes and with those changes, I slowly began to reach the surface from the depths that I had allowed myself to drown in for months. I now refer to “break ups” as “break downs,” because it makes much more sense.

The best way to get over someone is not to jump to someone else, or allow yourself to reach the point that I did; the best way to get over a “break down” is to muster up every ounce of strength in your being and focus on constructing your new future.


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Surviving Christmas

Since my last post, my three-year relationship ended just before Thanksgiving…. just in time for the holidays, with media providing me with constant reminders of my being not only heartbroken, but alone for the holidays. Thank God for all of the commercials featuring happy couples frolicking through snow. Not to mention, there’s the constant “I love my life” posts on Facebook. Unfortunately, the world keeps on going even though it feels like mine stopped. I haven’t been able to write since, because quite frankly, I haven’t had the words.

Surviving a break up is difficult anyway. Any time someone asks me about him it’s like taking a bullet over and over again. It’s exhausting and painful, but it seems to get easier with each day. As if that’s not enough, I’m expected to be all cheery just because it’s Christmas time. After three years of celebrating Christmas with someone, you can imagine how lovely it is to attempt to carry on with traditions such as decorating the tree, but at least I’ve got my family and friends.

photo (11)

I have come to the realization that Christmas is unavoidable, and the only way I will get through this trying time is by accepting it for what it is, putting on my big girl panties, drinking plenty of wine, and staying busy.  In my last post, I explained that I’d just quit my job.  Luckily, I found something working special events that should keep me quite busy moving forward.  On a positive note, I’ll be focusing on my 30 Before 30 List and reading list much more, and as time heals, I will be stronger for this experience.  To anyone who is going through a similar experience, my best advice is to fight the negative thoughts that inevitably attempt to take over your mind, focus on the positive things in your life whatever they may be, and watch the movie Elf with copious amounts of wine. 


Categories: Game Called Life, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

2 Weeks Notice

I finally put my two weeks notice in at my office and I have got to say…I’m feeling great about it.  I’m so ready for change and it is long overdue.  I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.  I have been writing that two weeks notice for months, but never hit send. The anticipation of it combined with the excitement of actually pressing send was exhilarating.  Cheers!

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Feel Good

I received this email and I had to share it, as it really hit home for me. Enjoy!

You can feel whatever way you choose to feel, so choose to feel good. Feel good about yourself, your world, your possibilities and your life. You don’t have to ignore or deny the difficult realities in order to feel good. You can be fully aware and involved with life’s realities and still choose to feel good.

You can endure pain and disappointment and still choose to feel good. For there is a beautiful part of you that can always rise above the most painful and burdensome difficulties. Choose to feel good, and you put yourself in a position of power and effectiveness. Feel good, and feel the genuine strength of your true purpose. Feel good, and open yourself to the best possibilities. Feel good, and generate new positive energy for moving forward. Whatever the situation, feel good about yourself and about what you can do.

Feel good about life, and let those feelings create a positive reality.

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Waiting on my train

A lot of change is coming about, which has kept me from diligently writing lately.  Aside from moving, which we all know is a daunting task, I’ve been proactively seeking new opportunities for employment.  I saw a quote the other day that has really helped to keep things in perspective for me, and I wanted to share it.  Hopefully, the next train is my train.


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Full Potential

When I created this blog, it was the aftermath of  a core-shaking epiphany that resulted in my questioning of everything about my daily life.  It was honestly terrifying. It was a moment of brutal truth and clarity when I realized that I have somehow wandered from my path in life. That path does not include where I currently stand…utterlly lost.

What happened to my dreams, ambitions, and hobbies that once made me who I am? I no longer run insane distances, spend hours drawing and writing while listening to music, or feel that I am closer to complete happiness in my career.  That one is a biggie…as I don’t think I am any closer to becoming an author than I was a year ago.

It’s time to put up or shut up, and I can feel it in my bones…every fiber.

Here are 5 signs that you’re ready to reach your full potential:

1. You feel it in your gut.

Deep down, you feel that something is missing. This may feel like a lightness or a weight, or a pull toward something that you can’t quite describe yet. It feels like a sense of anticipation that won’t be met unless you take action.

2. You daydream about what’s possible.

You frequently find yourself in your head, picturing details of a future that makes you feel so excited. You are aware that your current life does not match up with this vision, and part of you really loves the daydreaming—because it feels like that vision is the way things were meant to be.

3. Inspiring stories move you.

When you read or hear stories of people that are doing unusual or amazing things, you feel a pang of excitement and motivation. That part of you that is “ready” resonates with tales of others that were ready and moved to the next level. This feeling can range from sheer thrill to jealousy, but it’s triggered by stories of people doing things that you know you could do, but haven’t—yet.

4. You can’t shake the nagging voice.

No matter how much you try to focus on your work, or be grateful for your current circumstances, you keep sensing this little nag that says “This isn’t enough, this isn’t right, keep looking, keep going, I know it’s out there.” And when you sense this nag, you can tell it’s onto something.

5. You know it’s time.

At your core—underneath everybody’s expectations, all your obligations, your conversations—underneath all that, at your very, very core—you just know.

Categories: Before 30 List, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Simple Homemade Scrub

Scrub Facts:

(1) promote increased blood circulation

(2) fight cellulite (esp. scrubs with caffeine or coffee)

(3) open and cleanse pores

(4) remove dry itch and flakiness

(5) good to use before tanning to promote an even tan

(6) nourish and moisturize you skin

(7) can be used as a shaving “cream”

(8) can be used as a one-minute manicure or pedicure


Combine and mix all ingredients and scrub-a-dub!

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