Hook – Bangarang

Yesterday Hook aired on tv and I recorded it.  The passing of Robin Williams demanded so much attention because of his good-natured soul and the tragic ending of his life on earth, taken by he himself.  People don’t know how to take suicides because it is unimaginable to most.  Therefore, it results in various reactions globally.  Unless someone has gone through the hell that is depression, it is nearly impossible to fathom taking your own life and seeing no other solution other than to free yourself of the misery rather than walking through that fire yet again.

Unbeknownst to many people who’ve known me throughout the years, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was twenty years of age.  No one aside from my loved ones has a clue, but to them, the change was palpable and horrifying until I got it under control.  Hell, it took me almost a year to acknowledge the severity of it myself, because I had always been such a strong, lively and cheerful presence.  I was conditioned to feel that I was the life of the party, the strong one, the one others confided in, and there was no way this could happen to me of all people.

Guess what?  Most psychological issues arise in early adulthood and it does not discriminate. Everyone is up for grabs. Anyway, I watched the recorded movie Hook and couldn’t help to think of the happiness this man provided to so many people world-wide in spite of his own unhappiness.  He had the gift of making others happy, laughing in the most desperate of their times, yet in privacy and the solitude of his own space, he could not do it for himself.  I see that as heroic, not weak at all.  He had a light in his eyes that only he could not see and that makes my heart ache for him.

People must come to understand that depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and no matter who you think you are, you are susceptible, and that others who suffer from it are by no means weak.  On the contrary, they are the strongest among us, because they have survived it time and again, forcing them to conquer their own minds that are fighting against them, and that takes strength and heart.  I hope this finds someone well who needs to know that no matter what your spiritual beliefs, life is precious and everyday right now may be a battle, but it’s a war worth fighting for, so fight the hell out of it.

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This summer I had a car accident that resulted in the totaling of my trusty, beloved White Bandit (Corolla). As a result, it demanded the purchase of my new Honda Civic that I love.  Purchasing a newer car is on my list, and as fate would have it, the perfect storm created the opportunity to get it.  Life is funny that way.

So, with another one off the list, I am forced to confront the fact that I have a mere six months to complete my long list before I turn thirty.  THIRTY.  I am bewildered that so much time has passed so quickly, but I know that I am looking forward to what life has to offer in my future.  I have crossed off so many things off of my vision board lately, and although much of it is not on the list that I created a few years ago, things are rolling along and good things are happening.  

We can plan life all we want, but at the end of the day, it means shit. Total and utter shit…life unfolds as it should, based on our choices and the choices we don’t make. I am perfectly open and okay with that fact.  I am embracing all of it with open arms and an open mind, all the while attempting to hold down my place in the driver’s seat to focus my direction where I hope it to follow.  I have no doubt that all will be well and better than I even hope to happen.  Cheers to life.

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Surviving Christmas

Since my last post, my three-year relationship ended just before Thanksgiving…. just in time for the holidays, with media providing me with constant reminders of my being not only heartbroken, but alone for the holidays. Thank God for all of the commercials featuring happy couples frolicking through snow. Not to mention, there’s the constant “I love my life” posts on Facebook. Unfortunately, the world keeps on going even though it feels like mine stopped. I haven’t been able to write since, because quite frankly, I haven’t had the words.

Surviving a break up is difficult anyway. Any time someone asks me about him it’s like taking a bullet over and over again. It’s exhausting and painful, but it seems to get easier with each day. As if that’s not enough, I’m expected to be all cheery just because it’s Christmas time. After three years of celebrating Christmas with someone, you can imagine how lovely it is to attempt to carry on with traditions such as decorating the tree, but at least I’ve got my family and friends.

photo (11)

I have come to the realization that Christmas is unavoidable, and the only way I will get through this trying time is by accepting it for what it is, putting on my big girl panties, drinking plenty of wine, and staying busy.  In my last post, I explained that I’d just quit my job.  Luckily, I found something working special events that should keep me quite busy moving forward.  On a positive note, I’ll be focusing on my 30 Before 30 List and reading list much more, and as time heals, I will be stronger for this experience.  To anyone who is going through a similar experience, my best advice is to fight the negative thoughts that inevitably attempt to take over your mind, focus on the positive things in your life whatever they may be, and watch the movie Elf with copious amounts of wine. 


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2 Weeks Notice

I finally put my two weeks notice in at my office and I have got to say…I’m feeling great about it.  I’m so ready for change and it is long overdue.  I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.  I have been writing that two weeks notice for months, but never hit send. The anticipation of it combined with the excitement of actually pressing send was exhilarating.  Cheers!

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Feel Good

I received this email and I had to share it, as it really hit home for me. Enjoy!

You can feel whatever way you choose to feel, so choose to feel good. Feel good about yourself, your world, your possibilities and your life. You don’t have to ignore or deny the difficult realities in order to feel good. You can be fully aware and involved with life’s realities and still choose to feel good.

You can endure pain and disappointment and still choose to feel good. For there is a beautiful part of you that can always rise above the most painful and burdensome difficulties. Choose to feel good, and you put yourself in a position of power and effectiveness. Feel good, and feel the genuine strength of your true purpose. Feel good, and open yourself to the best possibilities. Feel good, and generate new positive energy for moving forward. Whatever the situation, feel good about yourself and about what you can do.

Feel good about life, and let those feelings create a positive reality.

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Full Potential

When I created this blog, it was the aftermath of  a core-shaking epiphany that resulted in my questioning of everything about my daily life.  It was honestly terrifying. It was a moment of brutal truth and clarity when I realized that I have somehow wandered from my path in life. That path does not include where I currently stand…utterlly lost.

What happened to my dreams, ambitions, and hobbies that once made me who I am? I no longer run insane distances, spend hours drawing and writing while listening to music, or feel that I am closer to complete happiness in my career.  That one is a biggie…as I don’t think I am any closer to becoming an author than I was a year ago.

It’s time to put up or shut up, and I can feel it in my bones…every fiber.

Here are 5 signs that you’re ready to reach your full potential:

1. You feel it in your gut.

Deep down, you feel that something is missing. This may feel like a lightness or a weight, or a pull toward something that you can’t quite describe yet. It feels like a sense of anticipation that won’t be met unless you take action.

2. You daydream about what’s possible.

You frequently find yourself in your head, picturing details of a future that makes you feel so excited. You are aware that your current life does not match up with this vision, and part of you really loves the daydreaming—because it feels like that vision is the way things were meant to be.

3. Inspiring stories move you.

When you read or hear stories of people that are doing unusual or amazing things, you feel a pang of excitement and motivation. That part of you that is “ready” resonates with tales of others that were ready and moved to the next level. This feeling can range from sheer thrill to jealousy, but it’s triggered by stories of people doing things that you know you could do, but haven’t—yet.

4. You can’t shake the nagging voice.

No matter how much you try to focus on your work, or be grateful for your current circumstances, you keep sensing this little nag that says “This isn’t enough, this isn’t right, keep looking, keep going, I know it’s out there.” And when you sense this nag, you can tell it’s onto something.

5. You know it’s time.

At your core—underneath everybody’s expectations, all your obligations, your conversations—underneath all that, at your very, very core—you just know.

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Sunday R&R

Sundays are a time of rejuvenation for myself, as I find delight in the most simple and slow-paced delights.  Coffee tastes better on Sundays with breakfast after sleeping in with no care in the world about time frames.  My neglected laundry gets the attention it deserves in between whatever endeavors I deem pleasant to pass the time.  I hope you’re having a wonderful Sunday!

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New tradition

I have decided that my new tradition to establish will occur yearly on my birthday, obviously beginning next year.  The tradition that I am tentatively establishing (since it hasn’t been made official) is to write down the names of cities I’d like to go to for a few days that I have never been, proceed to draw one from a jar or my trusty Texas Rangers cap, and purchase a ticket and hop on a plane to said destination for a long weekend every year.  Boom.


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Pride & Prejudice

I have commenced the reading of the first novel on my list, which is the timeless classic Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen.  I purchased the book a while back at my local Barnes & Noble and completely fell in love with the leather-bound book (picture to follow). 

It amazes and saddens me to read such eloquent grammar and inadvertently compare it along the way to modern vocabulary, or lack thereof.  It shames me to think that we seemingly only use one fourth of the English language in our day to day communications. 

Anyway, so far I am loving the book.  Cheers!

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Self growth

The definition of insanity is essentially doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result, which is appropriate for the Insanity workout program, but not for life.  If you continue to take part in the same things every weekend, with the same people, it  completely hinders your self growth. 


If you never take chances on new things or people, you will keep getting the exact same results in your life that you get now.  Branch out and meet new people and take chances.  Don’t be discouraged by things you try that aren’t your favorite.  Instead, know you at least tried it and move on to the next thing.  Get beyond your comfort zone to experience life, and I promise you will not regret it.   

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