Eight months ago, I found myself in the perpetual misery we all know as a “break up.” I’ve been through several of them throughout my years, but this one was that one heartbreak that tears you down and makes you think in terms of only every present loathsome moment that you are in, rather than being able to foresee any future. I consider myself a strong, independent woman, yet there I was…confounded by anguish and grief, completely incapable of envisaging everything else that I lived for that made me who I am. My goals, hopes, plans, and dreams disappeared from my mind as if he took them with him. Three years with a man I had once considered spending my life with ended abruptly, and suddenly I did not know myself any more. While studying psychology in college, I came across a quote that I have never forgotten:
“Depression is the inability to construct a future.”
That quote successfully concentrates a medical illness characterized by a magnitude of symptoms into one absolute sentence, which I find to be brilliant. When you’re depressed, you can’t imagine that things will get better. It just seems like it is unattainable, or so far from happening that you bask in your agony. I went through hell for months, crying myself to sleep at night, avoiding people, and going through the motions. One day, I looked in the mirror and no longer recognized myself. I focused on making changes and with those changes, I slowly began to reach the surface from the depths that I had allowed myself to drown in for months. I now refer to “break ups” as “break downs,” because it makes much more sense.
The best way to get over someone is not to jump to someone else, or allow yourself to reach the point that I did; the best way to get over a “break down” is to muster up every ounce of strength in your being and focus on constructing your new future.
Since my last post, my three-year relationship ended just before Thanksgiving…. just in time for the holidays, with media providing me with constant reminders of my being not only heartbroken, but alone for the holidays. Thank God for all of the commercials featuring happy couples frolicking through snow. Not to mention, there’s the constant “I love my life” posts on Facebook. Unfortunately, the world keeps on going even though it feels like mine stopped. I haven’t been able to write since, because quite frankly, I haven’t had the words.
Surviving a break up is difficult anyway. Any time someone asks me about him it’s like taking a bullet over and over again. It’s exhausting and painful, but it seems to get easier with each day. As if that’s not enough, I’m expected to be all cheery just because it’s Christmas time. After three years of celebrating Christmas with someone, you can imagine how lovely it is to attempt to carry on with traditions such as decorating the tree, but at least I’ve got my family and friends.
I have come to the realization that Christmas is unavoidable, and the only way I will get through this trying time is by accepting it for what it is, putting on my big girl panties, drinking plenty of wine, and staying busy. In my last post, I explained that I’d just quit my job. Luckily, I found something working special events that should keep me quite busy moving forward. On a positive note, I’ll be focusing on my 30 Before 30 List and reading list much more, and as time heals, I will be stronger for this experience. To anyone who is going through a similar experience, my best advice is to fight the negative thoughts that inevitably attempt to take over your mind, focus on the positive things in your life whatever they may be, and watch the movie Elf with copious amounts of wine.
Categories: Game Called Life, Uncategorized
Tags: break up, Christmas, Christmas and holiday season, Christmas Carol, Facebook, Holiday, Opinions, Religious, single, Thanksgiving